Every parent, at one time or another, is plagued by doubts about how to educate their child. Indeed, when it comes to dealing with a crying baby or an angry teenager, it can be very difficult to stay calm. However, no one wants to resort to yelling or violence, which do not solve the problems in any way.
Fortunately, there are other, more effective methods, such as positive discipline. We spoke to Lucie Cluver, a professor at the University of Oxford, a specialist in family and child welfare and a mother of two young boys, to find out how this approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach them about responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.
What is positive discipline for?
“No parent wants to yell or hit their children, but it happens to us sometimes when we are stressed and we see no other way out,” explains the professor.
The evidence is clear: yelling and hitting do nothing but do more harm than good in the long run. If repeated, they create ongoing “toxic stress” that can have lifelong negative consequences for children, putting them at increased risk of dropping out of school, developing depression, drug use, suicide, and heart disease.
According to Lucie Cluver, this is the same as prescribing a drug when you know it doesn’t work and makes you sick. “When something doesn’t work, you have to look for another solution,” she adds.
Rather than focusing on punishment and prohibition, positive discipline focuses on developing a healthy parent-child relationship and establishing clear rules for behavior. And the good news for all parents is that it works! Here are some tips to get started:
1. Spend one-on-one time with your child
A good relationship requires time, especially when it comes to your children. You can combine this shared time with another activity, such as singing while doing the dishes, or chatting while hanging out the laundry,” the professor continues. Turn off your TV, turn off your cell phone, get down to their level and spend time only with them.”
2. Emphasize the positive
As parents, we often pay more attention to the negative aspects of our children’s behavior, which we do not fail to point out to them. The latter, who may see this as a way to get our attention, then tend to perpetuate their bad behavior rather than put a stop to it.
Yet children love to be complimented: it makes them feel loved and special. “Pay attention to when your child does something well and praise him, even if it’s just five minutes of quiet play with his sibling. This encourages his desire to behave, and saves you from having to keep reminding him,” says Cluver.
3. Set clear rules
When you ask a child not to do something stupid or to be good, he doesn’t necessarily understand what is expected of him. Conversely, clear instructions, such as “please pick up your toys and put them back in the box,” tell him exactly what he should do and increase the chances that the child will actually do what he is asked to do.”
“However, it is important to set reasonable rules. While requiring a child not to make noise for hours on end may seem complicated, it is nevertheless possible for the few minutes you need to make a call. We know what our children are capable of, we just have to take that into account and not ask the impossible of them,” explains Lucie Cluver.
4. Distract creatively
“When a child is being difficult, offering them a more positive activity can be helpful,” she continues. “By focusing their attention on something else—by changing the subject, playing a game, moving them to another room, or taking them for a walk, for example—you can help them redirect their energy toward positive behavior.”
The moment at which you intervene is also crucial. To avoid tantrums, you should pay attention to your child’s behavior so that you can take action as soon as things get out of hand. Detecting the moment when your child starts to get agitated, upset, or want the same toy as their brother or sister allows you to take action before the situation gets out of hand.
5. Punish calmly
Part of growing up is understanding that actions have consequences. Explaining this cause-and-effect relationship to a child is a simple way to encourage better behavior while teaching responsibility.
Explaining the consequences of misbehaving to your child gives him a chance to do the right thing. For example, you might tell him that if he doesn’t stop scribbling on the walls, you’ll end his playtime. This gives him a warning while giving him a chance to change his behavior.